Saturday, June 14, 2008

Alice Does`nt Live Here Anymore

I was talking to my sister in law Jane last night on the phone, our conversation led to our black cats, we both have one, we both did not want one, and we both have daughters who sort of kinda just dropped them off at our houses stating various reasons why they could no longer keep them. My Cat Miss Kitty, has ended up being our dog Flynns chew toy, and Janes cat Baby, poops in her potted plants. This conversation led to the time several years ago when Skip and i visited his sister Addy and her cat Alice.

Before i retell this story, let me just clarify a couple things, i don`t like dead things, and i am not particularily fond of cats. I don`t touch dead things, i get other people to touch them for me, and if Miss Kitty packed her bags and said, "i`m getting the hell out of this joint, " i`d give her $20 bucks and mumble, keep in touch .

Having said that, picture this. Skip and I, with a bag of Subway subs in our hands, settle onto the couch, Addy is sitting across from us on a chair, and Alice is laying under a coffee table on the floor next to Addy. We are about 8 feet across from Addy and Alice. I pass out the subs and we start to chomp and chat away.

It was`nt long before i noticed that Alice was`nt her usual self, normally she`d be sniffing skips shoes, or climbing in back of us nawing on my head, today she was so quiet and still. I mentioned it to Addy, who proceeds to tell us that Alice has`nt been feeling well the last few days, and she`s been very sluggish. Oh, ok i think, that explains it. Onto the sub! Gosh i love them things.

After about an hour and a half, the food long gone and thoughts of getting on our way home enter my mind, but i glance again at Alice and , i say, " This is really weird Addy, Alice has`nt moved a muscle or even blinked." Addy, being the caring cat owner and lover she is, reaches down to pet poor sick little Alice. Then lets out a scream, " Alice is dead!!!" Then she starts to shudder with the heebie jeebies, it`s the dead animal thing getting to her.

Being the caring sensitive favorite sister in law that i am, I want to fall to the floor and roll with laughter. But, i stiffle it, i want to be caring and sensitive , do you all know how hard it is to do that? This laugh growing in the pit of your gut and you have to squelch it. Very difficult indeed. But i did it.....for a bit. So i shake my head sadly and say, poor poor Alice. I said that a few times.

One has to wonder how long Alice had been *gone*. I don`t know the time table for riger mortis but, she was pretty dang stiff. I watch Forensic Science shows, they are one of my favorite tv watches, so i would have to guesstimate, 4-6 hours.

Skip, our hero, gets a big garbage bag and puts poor dead Alice in the bag and takes her outside. And poor distraught Addy, is left to wonder why, how, could she not notice a dead cat laying on the living room floor, for hours , and i`m wondering the very same thing. The urge to laugh in the meantime is getting stronger, and it is becoming painful keeping the sad look on my face.

Skip comes into the living room, and i could not hold it in any longer, i mean, i feel bad that poor Alice has died but oh my gosh, i split a gut, tears rolling down my face, laughing so hard i think i might pee myself, and then Skip is laughing, and then Addy is laughing. Years later, i am still laughing.

Now please, don`t think that i am insensitive to pet death, i`m not. But, the situation was hysterical . Were we so hungry we blocked the non movement out? Or were we just dumb?

I`ll leave that for you dear readers to figure out.


noble pig said...

I have to admit I am just like that. It's terrible but it seems the worse something is the harder I laugh.

That is a good story.

de-ranged mom said...

I have what they call a neveus laugh. I laugh at the worst time because I don't know what else to do. I do remember Alice. She was a big big cat. I was just talking about her last night. A friend has a big fat cat like that and it dosen't walk it rolles. Good story

sulli said...

I would have cracked up long before you did!
Poor Alice...

Dana Jones said...

That story makes up for the long lost skip stories. where is he anyway? Still working hard?

I just have to ask, had the dead cat not started to smell funny yet?

Okay, and now a confession, my cat disappeared last summer while I was out of town. My husband kind of cursed her for not eating the food he was putting out for her and said he wasn't going to feed her anymore. Turns out she had been locked in the attic for days and no one noticed her missing. She survived. Now she goes with me if it's longer than a one night stay. She's a traveling cat.